One More Completed Lap Around the Sun!
(Doctor Jokes)

By Dr. Peter W. Kujtan, B.Sc., M.D., Ph.D.

I thought that I would start the New Year with a little bit of levity. Going to the doctor makes a lot of people nervous, and I don't blame them, but sometimes it results in the best medicine called laughter. There is a lot of amusing anecdotes overheard in our offices, and here is a sampler of real-life quips to start your year off:

Why do my husbands' ears turn red every time I talk to him?

Patient: Every time you repeat those mean and nasty words to me, it makes my pain seem worse.
Doctor: Are you referring to that dirty "return to work" phrase?

Your budgie is not a patient here, and will not be receiving a flu shot from me anytime soon. I don't do cats, birds, dogs or goats.

I need to reschedule my Doctor's appointment because I am not feeling well today.

I can check his hearing, but I can't fix his listening.

Bowel movements do not really count as daily exercise.

Is that a list of health problems that your wife pinned to your chest? Why so it is. Hmmm, it seems to include questions pertaining to non-patients, strangers and pets too.

Why is my wife so cold?

Q. How soon are you thinking of getting pregnant?
A. Tomorrow, 11:20 pm!

Doctor: And what are you doing for the holidays?
Patient: I am taking my wife somewhere that she has never been before - the kitchen.

Your prostate exam is not exactly the highlight of my day either.

Do you have anything to take the testosterone out of my husband's mouth and put it back where it belongs?

No life boats and no latrines built out of 40 year old wood. Doc, I must tell you that just thinking about how unsafe Noah's Ark was keeps me awake at night!

Doctor: You look very cheerful today, Mrs. J. I particularly like that unique Christmas ornament that you are wearing.
Patient: Thank you, Doctor. Would you like to ring my bells?

Listen Doc, there is nothing wrong with my girl friend that a good strong credit card and an unlimited line of credit could not fix.

Patient: We always seem to fight about sex or money.
Doctor: Have you told your husband that yet?

Patient: I need something to help me sleep.
Doctor: Have you tried watching the federal election coverage?

You are the most wonderful person I ever met. I realize that it is the eve of the Holidays, but I urgently need to see all my specialists, have MRI's, mole removals, colonoscopy, bunion surgery, oh . and I finally decided to take your advice on that psychotherapy suggestion since my uncle is arriving on a mercy flight tomorrow, and did I tell you that I need a hospital bed for him? And I almost forgot, here is a stack of forms that "they" said you would know what to do with while you make all those arrangements. Hope you don't mind. I won a trip and leave next week. By the way, you work too hard and should take it easy.

Sorry, I didn't mean to talk while you were listening!

Amusing, I hope, and it does help ease the stress at times. Remember that New Year's resolutions are like the game of hockey, it takes some hard back-checking to get the job done, but there is no satisfaction as sweet as that felt after one achieves a seemingly elusive goal. So, as you undergo the rebirth of your wishes and expectations, I bid you a Happy New Year!